alice_blu_22

Wow! it's been a while! so my life is finally starting to change... i am going new places and learning to things. i'm still trying to reconnect with the person i once was... and i am getting there slowly but surely. one of the things i have realized along the way is that a lot of the time there are only two things stopping me. me and my mom. those are pretty much the only two things that ever stop me. she is always there and as hard as she tries to do what she believes is the right thing... more than half of the time she is actually hurting me. it's like she can't wait for me to find my own way... i don't get to learn for myself because she is too busy butting in to make sure i don't get hurt in the first place, which really ends up hurting me in the long run. i know all she wants is the best for me, but usually it just ends up back firing sooner or later... almost every single time she gives me advice i find i would have been better off following my own instincts... but then the half of the time i ignore her i fuck myself up! i just can't win! so how do i get over this string of unluckiness? how do i learn to make the right decisions? how do i learn to stop her from interjecting her own thoughts and how do i stop myself from listening? because once i can do this i think i will finally be able to come full circle and get on with my life! and believe me this needs to happen soon! i need to grow and move on from this rut! and i need to do it quickly! i need to dig the last bit of myself out of this hole and keep on going! i only get one chance at this crazy little thing called life and right now i am wasting what i've got! please! if there is anyone up there or out there or whatever... help me to learn to stand on my own two feet and help me find the path to my own success and happiness! i need some guidance... a sign... whatever! just help me get outta here! 

 I think i am going to tell him... haha no one has any clue who or what i am talking about, so let me explain real quick! there is this guy. i think i have liked him for a really long time actually without realizing it. well... maybe i knew, but i didn't want to admit it... but now i realize that i do want to tell him... before it's too late! so i am going to; this weekend! ugh! i am kind of nervous. i don't think i have ever been the one to make the first move... it is always the other way around... but life's too short to keep waiting for the enevitable; so i am just going to have to take the leap! wish me luck!

 so i just watched p.s. i love you. i laughed and i cried and i throughly enjoyed myself. it was one of the most moving movies i have ever seen. and it just made me think: i can't keep waiting for my life to start. i have to start making it happen. i am in love and he doesn't even know it. i haven't talked to him in forever because every time i do he wants to see me and i am too embarrassed to let that happen. i haven't been very happy lately and that reflects in my exterior because i have been trying to fill the void with other things... mainly food. i know now that it has to stop. all it does is make me more unhappy. i love this boy and i want him to love me. i'm sure he wouldn't notice, but i want to be my best for him and so now i will. i don't want to waste my youth... i don't have that much left and i want it to be memorable. i want to fall in love with someone who loves me so much they would send me letters after their death... someone who would want the best for me, no matter what because they cared for me. i think i deserve that and i think i could easily have that. so i am going to make it happen.

 Sometimes late at night my heart clamps up and i get really panicky. i bolt upright in bed and i have to pace around the house to calm down. i get so scared i can pace for hours... my mind racing! i feel like i can't get control. like i will always be afraid because the events are unchangable. i don't know what to do because they are so set in stone. this thing that i fear is death. it keeps me awake as it plagues my mind; an unwanted visitor. i never know when these nightmares are going to come... they just swoop in unexpectedly! i hate it! i wish i could turn them off but it doesn't work that way! i feel like my life is already over. like i have nothing else to do! i know this is crazy because i haven't experienced even half of what life has to offer! i just feel like i am never going to experience those things. will i ever find someone to love me? i don't think i am lovable... will i ever get married? i don't know who would marry me! i don't even have a real career yet. i don't want to work odd jobs the rest of my life! ahhh! i am just so incredibly lost! and i don't know how to fix it! i just want to start over. i feel like maybe if i had done things differently... if i had been different i wouldn't feel this way... but then if i hadn't made mistakes when i did would that just mean that i would make worse ones later on? ugh! and am i really wasting the best years of my life? i feel like i have thrown away my youth! and you never get another chance at that! should i have been more daring? more carefree? or should i have buckled down more and been more serious and more persistant? when is enough enough? and when does trying mean doing? when will i finally have a life worth living? or is it too late to fix the mistakes i have made? does anyone know the answer to this? or is this one of those things i get to find out the hard way? ahh! i hate my life! i want to be someone else! i want what everyone wants. riches, fame, beauty, love.... but does anyone get it all? does anyone get any of it at all? idk.... idk if any of it is truly possible anymore... maybe fame and money, but even that can disappear in the blink of an eye... but love. ahhh! love.... it seems to allude me every time. and it's always my fault. i am perpetually too immmature, too young, uncommitted, uninterested, too attatched, all of the above and anything else you could think of. whatever! maybe someday i will understand this crazy thing we like to call life... i just wish we could all make it out of here alive!

today was a grey day.... not necessarily in the weather. it just felt "grey". i don't know how else to describe it really. it was a dismal, quiet, grey day. i felt hopeless and out of control. it made me sick. i realize that everone has these days, but why do mine feel so vivid, so horrible. it just feels like my heart is held together by a shoddy sewing job, like it's threatening to tear apart any second. and why is he the only thing i can ever think of. i don't even see him anymore... i don't talk to him and yet there he is. always at the brink of my thoughts. any song, any movie, any thing and i am stuck with thoughts of him. i want to be with him more than i can say and yet i feel like that person is too far away... it's like my window is long gone and i am wishing into the past for days that have come and gone. and who knows? maybe i am. maybe i don't have a chance of ever finding those perfect moments with him again. but i feel like i can't stop wishing because once i do he is really gone, and then i am left with nothing to even hope for. for all i know i may not even like him anymore... he may be a thing completely of the past... hahaha a past that happened not all that long ago mind you. it just seems like every tme i talk to him he gets farther and farther away.... i just hope someday i can reach out and pull him back to me. i just have to find myself before he slips away never to be found again... 

i would definitely visit the victorian era! i love the dresses and the elegance of that time period. I just read a fictional novel about that time period and it just seems so romantic. i would have loved the balls. However there are parts of it i wouldn't like too because i must admit i am definitely a girl who appreciates her freedom. having to answer to men all the time as second best just wouldn't have worked for me! i am very much a supporter of womens rights and equal opportunities and i just have to say that that era was not at all responsive to women. if you asked my friends they will readily answer that i should have been born in the sixties. my best friend always jokes that i would have made a great flower child. we always say my days would have consisted of protesting and lots of "love" : ) hahaha but what do they know?
 

 so i watched a tv show today that made me think about love and life and so many things in general... it just made me realize that a lot of the time your first love is not your last love. the person that seems like the only one you could ever connect with is not as they seem. everyone changes and adapts to the curves life throws them. as i grow i will change and my heart will learn to let go of my first love and move on to my true love. i finally have some faith that true love is out there for everyone eventually... i just think it takes time to find it. i think that i need to become secure with myself before i can truly love someone and have them love me in return.

Hey! this is my first journal entry on live journal. this will be pretty light and kind of an introduction : ) i am alice. i am currently pursuing a career in acting and singing. in my free time i enjoy dancing and working out. i also love going to the movies. i must admit i am a Bones addict! that is a show on Fox for those of you who don't know. i don't know how you couldn't tho! it is amazing! my username ( aliceblu) comes from the fact that i am often moody and "blue". i am a SELF PROCLAIMED sufferer of seasonal depression and bipolar disorder... that may be offensive to some, but i truly feel i may suffer from both! anyway... if you haven't figured it out already i am pretty blunt. i say what is on my mind without thinking of how it will effect others. i will admit that i can't always take what i dish out! but that is only one of my many flaws! ; ) for any of you who read my entries i hope you can come to love me despite my many quirks! haha for those of you who don't... i'm not here to please you! oh! and i would love, love, love it if people would leave me messages about their favorite songs! i love finding new music that is moving and emotional... so if you have anything like that let me know! 


xoxo, 

aLiCE