alice_blu_22

 Sometimes late at night my heart clamps up and i get really panicky. i bolt upright in bed and i have to pace around the house to calm down. i get so scared i can pace for hours... my mind racing! i feel like i can't get control. like i will always be afraid because the events are unchangable. i don't know what to do because they are so set in stone. this thing that i fear is death. it keeps me awake as it plagues my mind; an unwanted visitor. i never know when these nightmares are going to come... they just swoop in unexpectedly! i hate it! i wish i could turn them off but it doesn't work that way! i feel like my life is already over. like i have nothing else to do! i know this is crazy because i haven't experienced even half of what life has to offer! i just feel like i am never going to experience those things. will i ever find someone to love me? i don't think i am lovable... will i ever get married? i don't know who would marry me! i don't even have a real career yet. i don't want to work odd jobs the rest of my life! ahhh! i am just so incredibly lost! and i don't know how to fix it! i just want to start over. i feel like maybe if i had done things differently... if i had been different i wouldn't feel this way... but then if i hadn't made mistakes when i did would that just mean that i would make worse ones later on? ugh! and am i really wasting the best years of my life? i feel like i have thrown away my youth! and you never get another chance at that! should i have been more daring? more carefree? or should i have buckled down more and been more serious and more persistant? when is enough enough? and when does trying mean doing? when will i finally have a life worth living? or is it too late to fix the mistakes i have made? does anyone know the answer to this? or is this one of those things i get to find out the hard way? ahh! i hate my life! i want to be someone else! i want what everyone wants. riches, fame, beauty, love.... but does anyone get it all? does anyone get any of it at all? idk.... idk if any of it is truly possible anymore... maybe fame and money, but even that can disappear in the blink of an eye... but love. ahhh! love.... it seems to allude me every time. and it's always my fault. i am perpetually too immmature, too young, uncommitted, uninterested, too attatched, all of the above and anything else you could think of. whatever! maybe someday i will understand this crazy thing we like to call life... i just wish we could all make it out of here alive!